Broken
by Odyessus
Summary: Paris and Janeway overcome the events of "Thirty Days" and find that there's more between them than they had originally thought. Note: the beginning dialogue starts with the end scene from "Thirty Days". Thanks to AiyanaStone for her beta reading help and making great suggestions for making this better. Please feel free to comment!
1. Chapter 1 - In the Beginning

1. In The Beginning…

"Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris. You are guilty of insubordination, unauthorized use of a spacecraft, reckless endangerment and conduct unbecoming an officer. Do you have anything to say?" 

"Riga needed my help." 

"In doing so, you disobeyed my direct orders." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"You violated the protocols that govern this crew." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"You nearly caused an armed conflict with the Moneans. And frankly, you're lucky to be standing here right now. I would have destroyed your shuttle if necessary." 

"Yes, ma'am. Permission to speak freely?"

Janeway nodded curtly.

"Riga's people weren't going to listen. They were going to ignore our warnings." 

"You don't know that." 

"Riga knew, and I was the only one who could help them." 

"I understand your passion, but passion alone doesn't give you the right to take matters into your own hands. Four years ago, I released you from prison and gave you a fresh start. Until now, you've been a fine officer. Your service on this ship has been exemplary. I really believed you were past this kind of conduct." 

"I've never been very good at playing by the rules. That doesn't mean that serving under your command hasn't changed me, for the better. At least this time, I broke the rules for a reason. For something I believed in." 

"I admire your principles, Tom, but I can't ignore what you've done. I hereby reduce you to the rank of Ensign, and I sentence you to thirty days solitary confinement. Take Ensign Paris to the brig." 

"I know the way."

"Rise and shine, Ensign," Tuvok said, "Your thirty days have been served. Report for duty. You may want to shave first." 

"Yes, sir."

Thomas Eugene Paris stopped just outside of the brig he had inhabited for the past thirty days and took a quick breath of freedom. Well not freedom per se, but at least not the inside of the brig.

He immediately headed to his quarters and took his shower, shaved as Tuvok had recommended, and put on a new uniform. His shift started in a few minutes and he would not have time to eat.

"_Great,"_ he thought, _"Thirty days in the brig, only basic nutritional supplements, water and now he'd have to go on duty on an empty stomach."_

He sat down on his couch and tossed the towel into the bathroom in slight anger and frustration, _"To Hell with her,"_ he thought, _"Making me suffer more apparently. Like the last thirty days wasn't enough."_

"_Torres to Paris."_

His face scrunched up in annoyance, "Paris here." 

"_Rumor has it that you're free for dinner…"_

"No, thanks B'Elanna," he cut her off, "Maybe another time. Paris out."

He tapped his combadge closing the communication. He did not want to be around people right now and would have to explain it to her some other time.

He stood up and walked out of his quarters towards the nearest turbolift and to his first shift after his incarceration.

"We're at warp 6 with a course of 176 mark 41," Tom said to his relief, "There's a class 3 ion storm about three lightyears off our port bow. We should pass by it before it crosses our path, but you may want to keep an eye on it."

"Yes, Ensign," Culhane replied.

Tom headed to the starboard aft turbolift heading to a hot shower and a long sleep. He ignored the gaze of his commanding officer as she sat in her chair watching him leave the bridge.

"_Lord, he looks awful,"_ she thought as she saw him walk past. She stood and looked at Chakotay, "You have the bridge, Commander. I'll be in my ready room."

"Uh, Captain," he said quickly, "Permission to speak to you in private for a moment?"

She curtly nodded her head at his request and turned to Tactical, "Tuvok, you have the bridge for now."

They entered her ready room and she went behind her desk and sat down. Chakotay, following her, stopped and stood in front of her. His facial expression gave her the impression that he wasn't here for a social conversation.

"What's on your mind Commander?" she asked suddenly on guard.

"It's about Mr. Paris," he replied and shifted in his place noticing the flash of emotion in her eyes.

"Oh?" she replied as neutrally as she could, "What about Mr. Paris? Is he causing problems?"

Chakotay shook his head, "Quite on the contrary. He's early for his shifts on the bridge and in sickbay. The Doctor even reports that he's significantly improved in his duties in sickbay. Additionally, he hasn't made one mistake in any of his helm reports or departmental logs. His work is exemplementry."

"Okay," she replied not sure of where this was headed, "Sounds like he's doing what he should be doing. Then what's the problem?"

"He's listless, unenthusiastic, antisocial and seems to be…" he paused looking for the right word, "… broken."

Janeway gave him a look of confusion and doubt.

Chakotay seeing her expression allowed some of his frustration and anger at her, "You don't see it do you?"

"See what?" she replied, "His 'brokenness'?"

Chakotay's face became hard with her, "Yes. Since he returned from his punishment, he's not the same man he was before he was locked up."

"It sounds like he changed his attitude and is doing what he should be," she reiterated, trying not to sound defensive, "which is a good thing for a junior officer."

He sighed in frustration and anger and gripped the back of the chair hard, "That's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?" she asked, hoping he would just get to the point.

"He's a broken man, Kathryn!" he said. He stood straight and began pacing in front of her, "Two months! Two months after he's out and you haven't acknowledged the fact that your helmsman, the man you were helping be a better man is broken and," he paused as if considering his finish, "and I believe _you_ broke him!"

Janeway leaned forward in her chair, clasped her hands on her desk and lowered her voice to a more menacing tone, "I did nothing to break him," she replied, "He took those actions and he suffered the consequences of them. How he responds to it is none of my concern."

"Yes, he did take those actions because he felt it was his duty and responsibility," he retorted, "But you helped cultivate that in him."

"He always had that Commander," she replied, not changing her tone, "It's not my fault that he is like this."

"I believe it is," he replied back to her with a bit of an edge, "You helped build that up in him and in one move you tore him back down to nothing. Since that time you haven't lifted a finger to help him and you certainly should be concerned as he is a member of this crew. _Your _crew."

She stood quickly, "Commander, I'm only going to say this once. Ensign Paris' problems are his and his alone. He caused them and he has reaped the consequences. Now if you feel that you want to blame them on me fine. Go ahead. This wouldn't be the first time you've taken me to task about him and his punishment, but this time you are… _way_… _off_... _base_," she replied emphasizing the last words.

"Fine," he stood straight hearing the implied ending of the meeting, "Then I hope you're comfortable with your decision to abandon him and can live with having a man in your crew who is lost."

"Crew discipline and morale are your responsibility, Commander," she retorted, "I would suggest then that you do your job and help him yourself."

"Crew discipline is my job," he said with an icy tone to his voice, "But the morale part is on you and has been for hundreds of years. Since this has nothing to do with discipline, then that leaves morale… which is your problem whether it's one person or the whole crew."

He turned and left the bridge before she could reply or see her shocked face.

Janeway sat back in her chair shocked at the tone and attitude Chakotay had taken with her. He She felt he was wrong of course, but… was he completely wrong?

Not surprisingly Chakotay had passionately come to Tom's defense when she threw him in the brig. Demotion or solitary punishment not both, was his argument and cited several regulations to back him up. He said she'd crossed the line with Tom. Way over the line. He went so far as filing a formal complaint in the ship's daily log and Tom's permanent record against her punishment.

They had argued bitterly for an hour over Tom. He cited several occasions where officers and crew of _Voyager_ broke the rules far worse than Tom, including himself, but she gave them free passes, but only Tom seemed to warrant and felt the full brute force of her wrath. The argument eventually ended with his announcement of the formal complaint and slamming his padd on her desk and storming out. At the time the argument only made Janeway less inclined towards Tom and almost denied Neelix's request for a padd so Tom could write a letter to his father. Chakotay's hard glare and objections were the only reason she granted that request and eventually Harry's request to see him for a few minutes.

The remainder of the senior staff had also voiced their objections, but Janeway dismissed them all. Tom did it to himself and in her mind that was that.

So why did she suddenly feel like _she _was being punished?

Comments: I think this is an excellent start, but I also feel that it's missing something. You jump right in to the punishment, not explaining what Tom has done, nor why Janeway is reacting this way. If you don't want to add more detail to what he has done, I recommend starting at "I understand your passion, but passion alone….", just to give it more of a 'beginning' feel, rather than feeling like we've missed a chunk of the storyline.

An hour later her ready room door chimed.

"Come in," she called out only half aware that it did chime.

The door opened and Tuvok entered. He crossed over to her desk and placed a padd down in front of her.

"My weekly security report," he said.

She picked it up and scanned it briefly, "Nothing unusual it seems."

He nodded, "It has been an uneventful week."

She smiled and put the padd down, "Thank you Tuvok."

He turned to leave and stopped when she called out.

"Tuvok? Do you have a moment"

He turned to her and nodded, "Of course."

She got up from her desk and moved around to the replicator, "Can I get you anything?"

"No thank you."

She stopped in front of it, "Coffee… black."

She grabbed the materialized cup and after taking a sip indicated to the couch in front of the window. They sat down and after a few moments of thought, Janeway spoke.

"What do you think of Mr. Paris since his return to duty?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow at the question and the unexpectedness of the topic. Never-the-less, after a few moments of careful thought, he answered.

"He is a very capable officer and performs his duties very efficiently," he paused, "For a human of course."

Janeway took a sip of her coffee, "Not quite what I meant," she said, "Have you noticed anything peculiar about him since his return? Attitude? Interactions with the crew?"

He paused for a moment, "I have noticed a certain lack of enthusiasm in his personal interactions with the crew. Additionally, I have noticed that he does not tend to be in public as much as he did before."

She nodded her head at his comments. She took another sip and was processing this information.

"May I ask why you are inquiring, Captain?"

"Commander Chakotay spoke to me an hour ago about Mr. Paris," she said, "He said that Tom was 'broken' and lacked any enthusiasm."

"That would be a fair assessment," Tuvok confirmed, "I would assume then you are seeking more information to better help Mr. Paris become 'fixed'?"

She shook her head, "No. That's Chakotay's problem. Not mine."

Tuvok gave her a concerned look, "Begging the Captain's pardon, but Commander Chakotay would not be the appropriate choice to help Mr. Paris. You would be that logical choice."

She rolled her eyes, "Ugh, not you too," she moaned, "Chakotay read me the riot act about this as well."

"And he would be correct to do so," Tuvok replied agreeing with Chakotay, "Crew morale is one of the first duties and concerns of a starship captain."

Janeway realized she had to come to grips on this, "Fine," she said resignedly, "I look into it. Thank you Tuvok"

Tuvok nodded and walked to the bridge, but stopped just before the doors and turned to her, "I would also add Captain, that since you are the person he looks up to the most, known him the longest and you were the one to see past his past, you would by far be the best choice to help him."

He entered the bridge and left Janeway in deep thought as to how or if she really wanted to help Tom. Tuvok and Chakotay were right of course. As captain and the person who knew Tom the best, she should be the one to talk with him and help him in any way she could. Shrugged sighed and looked out at the passing stars and wondered where to even start.


	2. Chapter 2 - From a Good Time to a Bad Co

2. From a Good Time to a Bad Conversation…

Tom was able to avoid most of the crew for another month. It wasn't until Naomi Wildman's birthday party that he had to face a lot of them socially. Not that he minded celebrating Naomi's birthday, but he just didn't want to be harassed by the crew asking him a million questions. He knew from Harry that the vast majority of the crew had supported him and were unhappy with the Captain's treatment of him. He was silently appreciative of their support, but what was done was done. He just wanted to move on.

He changed into a basic shirt and pants before grabbing Naomi's present, a new Flotter holostory he'd created for her while in the brig, and headed to holodeck 1.

A lot had happened in the three months since his first day as an ensign. Chakotay had become more supportive of him and became almost like a mentor to Tom, Harry was running around trying to get him involved in ship activities again and B'Elanna stopped seeing him. Not that the B'Elanna part was unexpected. After all she was either all in or all out in the relationship depending upon her mood any particular day and he didn't feel like navigating that minefield anymore.

He got off the turbolift and nearly walked into Crewman Murray, "Oops, sorry."

Murray smiled at him, "No worries, Tom. Going to the party?"

Tom gave him a small smile and nod, "Yep. Wouldn't miss it. Besides, if I don't show the wrath of a five year old can be pretty daunting and I want to avoid that if I can."

Murray chuckled, "Well have fun at the party."

He smiled and nodded before continuing his journey. A few moments and a corridor turn or two later he walked onto the holodeck and was immediately greeted by the character named Trevis.

"Hello there!" the holo-character said in a cheery and upbeat voice, "Are you here for Naomi's party?"

"Yes," Tom said and smirked at the yellow paper birthday hat on Trevis' head.

"Oh goody!" he said and pointed down the right path, "They're down there. Have fun!"

Tom just nodded and walked down the path. He could hear a lot of voices as he approached laughing and apparently having fun. Tom stopped at the edge of the clearing and took in a deep breath.

"Well hello there Tom Paris," came a voice next to him.

Tom turned and saw Flotter T. Water III coming up to him in a cheery voice and excited body movements, "I knew I'd be seeing you here."

"I'm sure," Tom replied, "Where is the birthday girl?"

Flotter turned and pointed to Naomi standing next to her mother near the present table, "She's right over there and excited that everyone has turned out for her party."

The holo-character wasn't kidding either. It seemed like half the crew was here; even Tuvok and Seven had shown up. They were standing together and looking on at the proceedings as if studying their crewmates during a social engagement as a science experiment. The two them standing there looking contemplative of their crewmates and surroundings made Tom smile to himself.

"Thanks," Tom said and made one step towards the birthday girl and stopped. The reason for him stopping bent down and gave Naomi a present and a hug, which the girl returned with a smile and giggle. The redhead pointed at the gift, explaining the gift to the girl and Tom saw the girl's eyes brighten when the woman was finished.

Tom watched as the redhead released the girl with a huge smile, stood and said a couple of words to her mother and received a laugh and thanks. She then moved over the food table, leaving the path clear for Tom.

Tom approached the girl quickly and put on a genuine smile for her, which was easy to do with Naomi. She always seemed to brighten the ship up with her presence no matter what.

"Hey there birthday girl," he said as he approached.

"Tom! You did come!" she exclaimed and reached up for a hug from him, which he of course willingly gave.

"I wouldn't have missed it," he replied as he picked her up into the hug, "Ugh… you're getting heavy!"

After a quick moment in the air he put her down and handed her the isolinear chip, "Happy birthday."

She looked at it quizzically, "What is it?"

"Well it's highly classified," he said and leaned in closer and half-whispered, "But as the new Captain's Assistant I can give you hint… it involves the continuing adventures of a certain holo-character."

"A new Flotter story?!" she half shouted and excitedly turned to her mother, her eyes wide with surprise and excitement "Mom! Tom programmed a new Flotter holo-story for me!"

"That's great Naomi," Samantha Wildman said smiling at her daughter.

"This is great! Thanks!" the girl replied with an excited smile and gave Tom another hug. Bigger and tighter this time.

Tom returned the hug and after a quick smile and nod to the girl's mother turned and walked over to punch table. Taking a drink he walked to a shaded corner of the clearing away from the group. He sat down on a rock, took a sip and watched from a far.

Janeway, standing a short distance away, witnessed the entire interchange between the girl and Tom. She found herself smiling brightly at the exchange. Tom certainly knew how to make a child like Naomi happy, which was something Janeway couldn't always do. She envied him and others that did have that ability so readily at hand. The fact that Naomi seemed to been excited at him just being there was proof of that.

Her smile quickly faded as she continued to watch him stand and walk away, shoulders slightly hunched and his apparent good mood disappearing completely. Even the way he sat down on the rock away from the group looked like he was tired and… well… broken.

"_Could Chakotay be right?"_ she thought to herself, _"Is he a broken man?"_

A sudden flash of anger expelled the question. No, he had done it to himself. She was resolute in that. His actions… his consequences… his fault. Not hers.

"Captain, look!" came the voice below her.

Janeway looked down and saw Naomi holding Tom's gift up at her, "Did you see what Tom gave me? A new Flotter story!"

Janeway smiled at the girl, "What a wonderful and unique gift. Mr. Paris certainly knows how to spoil a girl on her birthday."

"Yeah," the girl said and gripped the chip in her hand like a Ferengi grips latinum, "It's perfect! I can't wait!"

Janeway looked from Naomi to the man sitting on the rock. Her smile faded again.

"So how are you doing?"

Tom looked up quick at the voice beside him, "I'm fine Harry."

Harry sat down next to Tom on the rock and took a sip of his drink, "I was about to say you looked fine just sitting here away from everyone, under this tree."

"Please don't Harry," Tom said quickly, knowing where his friend was heading with the conversation.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Harry said with a bit of frustration and hurt, "I'm only trying to help."

Tom sighed and looked at his punch, "I know and I appreciated it."

Harry took a sip of his punch, "So what did you get for Naomi that has her practically jumping to warp?"

Tom chuckled at Harry's observation, "I programmed a new Flotter story for her."

Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Wow, that's a great idea. How long did it take you?"

"Thirty days," came Tom's reply.

Harry cleared his throat at the reply, "Well I'm sure she'll love it."

Tom nodded silently and then noticed the approaching form of Seven of Nine.

"Ensign Paris," she said with her usual lack of greeting, "Are you unwell?" 

"Be careful Seven," Harry said with a bit of a warning tone in his voice, "Tom's not quite himself."

"I can see that," she said and continued completely missing Harry's tone, "Are you still affected about your actions three months ago?"

"Uh oh, here we go," Harry whispered quietly into his cup.

Tom gave her a small smile, "And why would you think that?"

Her eyebrow cocked upwards to his question, "You're here, but not with the crowd. You haven't eaten any cake and aside from a brief display of affection for Naomi Wildman, you haven't engaged in any social interactions with the crew. Such actions can only lead to one conclusion… you're still affected by past events."

"Ah, I see that those Borg observational skills are in full swing today," Tom replied with sarcasm.

The sarcasm was not completely missed by Seven, "Indeed," she replied with a bit of edge, "Your sarcasm seems to be a defense mechanism then to deflect and avoid replying to the inquiry."

Tom held up his cup as if to toast her, "Two for two. Your social lessons with the Doc seem to be paying off."

Seven looked at Harry with a slight expression of frustration. Harry shrugged at her, "I told you so, Seven."

"I'm merely trying to engage you in conversation based on lesson 11… engage in small talk."

Tom smiled at her comment, "Well thanks, but I'm okay."

"Very well," she said and walked away from them.

"Nice job, Tom," Harry said when she was out of earshot.

Tom looked at Harry with an expression of disbelief, "What?"

Harry leaned on his knees and looked at his friend, "She was trying to help you and you insulted her by being sarcastic and deflecting."

"Hard to insult a Borg, Harry. Besides, I told her I was okay."

"Ugh," Harry said.

"You even warned her," Tom said.

Harry looked upwards for a few moments. He looked at Tom with anger, "Look, we're trying to help you. We support you. We want to be here to help you through this."

Tom's face softened slightly, "Thanks Harry, but I'll be okay. It's not the first time the rug has been pulled out from under me. I'll bounce back soon enough."

Harry didn't believe his friend for a moment, but knew better than to push. The time would come when he knew Tom would be able to talk, but this wasn't the time or place. They sat together on the rock watching the party.

Three days after the birthday party Tom found himself in the turbolift heading to sickbay for his shift when it slowed and the doors opened to a waiting Janeway. Tom's face turned to stone and took a step back to allow her to enter the 'lift. Janeway for her part felt the immediate tension and wondered if she should ride with him. After a moment she stepped into the 'lift.

"Cargo bay 2," she said and then looked at him, "Good afternoon Tom."

"Captain," came his less than warm reply.

She felt the immediate void of warmth and friendship. Replaced with tension and cold anger.

"I hear Naomi Wildman loved her holoprogram," she said trying to make small talk instead of uncomfortable silence, "She's run it every day."

"I'm glad she likes it," he replied in monotone.

A few moments more of tension filled silence elapsed before she tried again.

"I hear Harry is getting much better at playing pool."

"So I hear," he said again in a monotone, "Must have a lot of encouragement then."

She bit her tongue and looked skyward in annoyance. This had to end now.

"Computer, halt turbolift," she said quickly and turned on him, "Okay Tom. What's wrong? You've been walking around the ship for the last several months like a dark shadow. Chakotay and Tuvok say you don't socialize with the crew and you haven't even run your Captain Proton program. It's almost like you've cut yourself off from everyone."

"I'm sorry Captain," he replied with no trace of remorse in his voice, "I'll try and do better."

"Tom," she said with a hard edge to her voice and stopped. She took a breath and looked at him with a softer expression, "Tom, I don't know what your issue is, but if you want to talk I'm happy to listen and help."

He blinked at her and his face flushed with anger, "You'll listen to me and help?"

Janeway sensed she hit the wrong nerve, but wanted to try and keep the conversation light, "Yes, and I mean it."

Tom shifted in his place, "You have quite the nerve to say that to me," he said in an angry voice just above a whisper, "I think you've helped me enough for this lifetime. Computer, resume 'lift."

"Computer, halt 'lift," Janeway took one step closer to him and pierced him with her blue eyes, "Tom, you made a mistake and you paid the price for it. So don't you dare blame me for it."

His gaze was just as piercing, "Oh I can," he whispered, "I trusted you. I learned from you and you ripped the ground out from under me."

"That was not me," she replied trying to hold back her emotions, "You gave me no choice."

"Gave you no choice?" he laughed out loud at her comment which surprised her, "I gave you no choice? Funny, I could have sworn you had that choice."

"What do you mean?" she asked hesitantly, not liking the implications.

"Well why don't we start with Chakotay. He takes a shuttle to deal with Seska… no punishment. Then Tuvok performs a mindmeld and nearly kills Sutor… again no punishment. Seven… well… everything Seven's done and you let her off the hook. You supported every decision and every action they and everyone else made, even at the risk of destroying this ship! But me? No, apparently you had no choice."

"Those were isolated incidents and I didn't see fit to punish them for their actions," she said and immediately knew it was a weak tact to take with him. He was too smart not to see it.

"Isolated incidents!" Tom shouted at her seeing the weak defense, "Oh please, Captain. You can do better than that."

He regarded her for a moment and waited for her to say something. When he looked into her eyes he saw nothing of the decisive captain and leader he had come to know or respect. Instead he saw indecisiveness and uncertainty.

"Maybe you can't," he said in a quiet, even tone, "I agree that I should have been punished, and was willing to face punishment, but not in the way you did it. What you did was rip my heart and spine out and without hesitation. I stood up for my principals and did what you always have done… like what the others have done. And… you hurt me."

His admission of hurt floored her. She took a half a step back and turned away from him unable to process his words. He saw the flurry of emotions running across her face as she did.

He realized that he needed to leave this 'lift before he said too much more, "Computer, resume lift."

The 'lift stopped at Tom's stop and he moved to step off, but stopped in the 'lift doorway and half turned to her.

"Maybe you expected more from me than I could give you," he whispered, "Maybe I hurt you and you just had to lash out at me for it. Give pain when you take pain," he half-smiled at the irony of the thought of what he used to do before coming onboard _Voyager_, "Must have learned that from me. Well done. You're a good student."

What that last comment he exited the 'lift and the doors closed leaving Janeway alone with her thoughts and a single tear running down her cheek.


	3. Chapter 3 - Searching Proton's Soul

3. Searching Proton's Soul…

He finished his shift in sickbay and received several compliments from the Doctor. Now he headed towards his quarters. Halfway there, he stopped and turned around and in a few moments, he stepped onto the holodeck.

He looked at the empty room, "Computer, display the Captain Proton bridge please."

The room suddenly went black and white and the stylized bridge of his alter ego formed. He heard the beeps and buzzes from the ship and saw each light flash on the consoles. He walked around the bridge and saw his jacket lying on the back of his chair. He stopped and lightly touched the navigation station before sitting down heavily on the stairs. He let his mind wander about the last five months while sitting there. Thinking about the captain, the Moneans and his life here on _Voyager_. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the doors open and close.

"_Here be dragons,"_ he thought to himself and suddenly began thinking about why he thought that.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the doors open and close.

"Tom?"

He blinked his eyes back into focus and saw Harry standing in front of him.

"Hiya Harry"

"Haven't been in here in a long time," Harry looked around the bridge, "What do you say? One for old times' sake?"

Tom shook his head, "No thanks Harry. Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything," Tom breathed out, "I guess I'm just being nostalgic for the good old days."

"Let me guess," his friend said, "Before the Monean incident or before _Voyager_?"

Tom speared his friend with a look of irritation, but softened, "Yeah, before the Moneans."

He stood up and indicated their surroundings with a wave of his arms, "Look at this Harry. All this is a symbol of my naiveté."

Harry gave his friend a questioning look, "How so?"

"It simple Harry," Tom replied, "I got wrapped up thinking I would be able to be more than I was and never feel disappointment or failure," he started pacing around the room, "I actually believed that I could do the amazing and not fail, but I was wrong."

Harry thought about his friend's words for a moment, "Well I don't see it that way. I see someone who does to the amazing and makes people like me the better for it. A lot of the crew, and not just the Maquis, supported you in what you did. We applauded your actions. We didn't applaud the captain's."

Tom gave his friend a look of sympathy, "Oh Harry, Harry, Harry. You don't know it yet, but you will feel it when it happens. And when it does I hope you have it easier than I did."

Harry sat down in his chair and looked at his friend. Tom's shoulders were slumped over and his face was sad. Harry watched his friend closely and saw turmoil inside his mind. Harry knew that Tom wouldn't speak to anyone else about his life, so he was determined to try here and now to get at the root of Tom's problem.

After a few moments of trying to figure out how to approach his friend, Harry spoke, "Tom, are you angry with the captain or yourself?"

"Both," came Tom's quick reply, "I was naïvenaive to think that what I did could have made a difference and I was certainly naïve to think she wouldn't punish me the way she did," his voice became a sad whisper, "I just didn't think she'd hurt me like that."

"I don't blame you," Harry replied, "She was harsh with you."

"Harsh," Tom said in quiet exasperation, "Harsh doesn't come close. My court martial would have been easier than what she did to me."

"Why?"

Tom's voice became a sad whisper, "I just didn't think she'd hurt me like that."

Harry thought for a moment and he felt he was getting close to Tom opening up, "Is your anger because you lost your rank and spent thirty days in the brig or something else?"

Tom didn't look up at his friend, but replied quietly, "Something else."

At Tom's last comment, the pieces started falling intoell into place in an epiphany ffor Harry. He knew he had to be careful now otherwise Tom would clam up, "Oh my God Tom, do you think your reaction to her could be based on something much deeper?. You like her and that's why you're acting this way!"

Tom looked up at his friend is puzzlement, "Something deeper? Like what?"

Harry shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe because she's your friend and you feel strongly about that?"

Tom snorted at his friend's comment, "Oh please Harry, where did you get that misguided observation?"

"No, it makes perfect sense. Hear me out," Harry retortedreplied, grateful he finally understood the signs he'd been seeing for all these yearswas able to see Tom's mind open to listen, "Look at yourself and listen to what you're saying. You just admitted she hurt you. No one says that about a person they don't care about. Not to mention you've been moping around since you got out and avoiding her like the plague. Plus, you broke up with B'Elanna. Why would you do that if this wasn't truethere wasn't something much deeper?"

Tom shook his head and opened his mouth to reply, but Harry held up his hand and stopped him, "Tom, honestly, try and look at it from my perspective. It makes sense!"

Tom closed his mouth before he spoke, sat in his chair at his console and looked up at the ceiling thinking. Harry certainly had a point. Of course the fact that Kathryn Janeway was the focus of his anger and resentment was hardly subtle. Everyone saw it. But to attribute it to feelings aside from anger was a leap. Or was it? Could the feeling of hurt and anger stem from another source?

Well Harry was at least partially right about his break up with B'Elanna, but Tom never really thought about why he did it. He just did it. He never quite felt comfortable with her and certainly there was a certain amount of pressure for people to pair up and maybe he was feeling that pressure and she was the immediately attainable woman. Wait… _attainable_? Funny he should think of that particular word. Was Kathryn Janeway unattainable or was she really attainable then?

Harry watched the battle in his friend's mind. Harry knew he was onto something, but surprised about the realizationTom's mind was working at warp speed to process this. After all, the captain was off limits to the crew in that way. Well off limits to all except for Tom, maybe. After all, aside from Tuvok, Tom's known the Captain for decades longer than anyone else aboard.

Additionally, their earlier interactions supported Harry's comment. He couldn't remember a time before the Monean incident that the Captain and Tom didn't have some banter or look together that wasn't from such a long and close association. It made sense if you could see it in its full light..

They sat together for a long time before Tom broke the silence.

"I don't know Harry. I could see it your way I suppose, but why now? Why would I feel that way about her now?"

Harry sat back in his chair relieved that Tom had accepted the possibility, "Because you do care about her and like her and this incident and what happened between you two changed your thoughts and feelings towards her."

Tom put his face in his hands, "Oh Harry, I really don't know."

Harry looked at his friend with sympathy, "Hey you wouldn't be the first man to fall for the captain," he leaned forward and smile at Tom, "But I think you fell for her long before you came aboard."

Tom looked at his friend's bemused expression and snorted, "Oh please…"

"How long have you known her?"

"Oh it must be at least," he paused and looked inward thinking back, "twenty years or so. I was a kid when we first met."

Harry softly chuckled, "Long enough then."

Tom didn't reply but was thinking inwards again. After a few moments he mustered, "Here be dragons."

Harry nodded understanding the reference about unexplored territories. He sympathized for his friend. If it was true and Tom really did like the captain everything would be difficult for him.

Tom smiled slightly at his friend willing to play along for a moment, "Well if it is some sort of love, then what do I do Harry. Tell me oh wise one of relationships!"

Harry's smiled broadened, "Well first, you need to ease up on her. Based on her attitude with you, and us, it wasn't easy for her either. Next… talk with her and clear the air and see what happens."

Tom snorted in derision, "Easier said than done. Especially after this afternoon."

At Harry's questioning expression he related the turbolift incident. He left out the part where see saw the tear running down her cheek. She at least deserved that consideration.

At the story's conclusion Harry sat back with satisfaction exasperation, "See, I was right! Sshe is trying to reach out to you!"

"But not for the reasons you think."

"I'd bet yesMaybe, maybe not," Harry replied, not willing to encourage any other line of thought, "She may not even realize it herself. Talk with her."

"So much damage Harry," Tom replied softly shaking his head, "I don't think I can now."

With that last comment came silence and the two friends sat in their bridge and listened to the beeps and buzzes. Tom not knowing where to go from there and Harry unable to help him find his path.

At that same moment, several decks away, Kathryn Janeway walked into her quarters after her shift and began to cry. She sat down on her couch and put her head in her hands and wept. Tom's comment caught her completely by surprise. His comments were harsh, but went to the root of the issue. He had hurt her. There was no denying that. She had trusted him and he broke that trust.

But for him to say that she had reacted in the way she had to inflict pain on him for the pain he caused was shocking to say the least. She'd never done that before with anyone. Not even with Mark. So why did she react so… aggressively? No, not aggressively… almost like… like how a significant other reacts when their lover or spouse does something hurtful.

Wait… where did that come from? That would imply that she felt certain feelings for Tom that she never felt before, which couldn't be true. But sShe never reacted that way before with him. She had of course felt close to him for years because of his father's presence in her life. They did have a certain bond that she didn't have with anyone else aside from Tuvok.

She needed to do something to take her mind off things. She didn't want to stay here. She stood and wiped the tears from her eyes and headed to the holodeck. She needed to do something to take her mind off things. Shortly later she walked into old Florence and heard Maestro Leonardo tinkering and swearing away in Italian.

"Maestro Leonardo?" she asked tentatively as she approached him.

The inventor looked up and smiled at her, "Ah Katerina! You've come at a crisis!"

He waved her over to a scale model of what looked like a cone shaped vehicle. He dug into his drawings and produced a sketch and showed it to her.

"I can't seem to solve a problem I'm having with this self-propelled machine," he pointed to the inner gears, "What do you think?"

Janeway looked at the sketch of what would be determined to be the first armored tank. She looked at the sketch of a few moments before setting it down suddenly in no mood to work. The maestro immediately saw that she was troubled.

"Ah Katerina," he said drawing her over to a chair by the roaring fire, "Please come and sit. For I think that you are in crisis are you not?"

She sat and looked into the fire for a moment. The maestro sat across from here and poured her a cup of coffee and handed it to her.

"Here," he said, "And tell me my pupil… what ails you?"

She smiled at him sadly, "I fear that I may have hurt someone."

He looked at her to continue, but when she didn't he spoke, "And this person is important to you?"

"Yes," she said and nodded, "He's a member of my cr…" she stopped before correcting herself for him, "… my clubmy club."

"I see," her maestro said, "And what pray tell me was the hurt you caused this unfortunate man?"

"He did something that broke my trust and faith in him and I punished him severely."

"If he did as you say, did he not deserve this punishment?"

She took a sip of her coffee and nodded slowly, "Yes, and he did expect punishment for his actions, but I was very harsh," she paused and barely whispered out, "Perhaps too harsh."

The maestro sat back in his chair, "Why do you say that? Was this man your lover? For only a lover receives such thoughts that you are having now."

"No, he's not my lover," she replied, "He's a… he's a my friend. Practically family."

"Family and friends can cause much pain and suffering, Katerina," DaVinci spoke, "However the joy they bring outweighs such pain. Does this friend have such a power with you?"

Janeway nodded in agreement, "Yes, we've know each other for many years," she replied, her voice distant in memory.

She saw the young man with blond hair holding a model of a starship in his hand when she visited his family's house. She remembered he just finished building it and asked him about it and he rattled off the specs for the ship and how he couldn't wait to fly one. She smiled then and she was now at the memory.

DaVinci saw the smile. It was a genuine smile. One that can only come from the heart.

"The maestro noticed the hesitation, "ButMay I ask you Katerina, have you thought of him in any other fashion?would want him for your lover then?"

She shrugged before realizing she did it, "I'm not sureYes," she replied in almost a whisper, "But I never really put any importance or significance to them."

"Then such a man worthy of those thoughts of yours must be important indeed."

.S It would be very difficult in our situationhe looked at him and nodded sadly., " Besides, eEven if I wanted that, so he is angered and bitterly resentful of me now."

"Oh Katerina," the maestro said in sympathy, "I see pain in your eyes and heart. This must indeed be a remarkable man to stir such a reaction within you."

"He is," she replied with a soft smile, "We've known each other for many, many years and shared many, many timesexperiences, both good and bad. He's always been there for me in these dark and difficult years."

The maestro leaned closer to his pupil and rested his hand on hers, "Ah Katerina, I, Leonardo DiVinci, may not be able to solve the inner workings of that infernal machine over there, but I can still see amore when I see it."

She looked at him in surprise, "Amore? Can't be."

He scoffed at her and stood, "If you cannot see it, then you are as blind as a mole," he looked back down at her, "Katerina… if this man did such hurt to you and you to him, and he was not so important a person to you then why torture yourself with your feelings of what you did?"

She shrugged again and looked at her cup absently.

"It is because you care for this man, Katerina," he knelt in front of her and grasped her hands again, "Deeply. Amore can do strange and wonderful things to men and women. But you must be prepared to see and accept those things."

"I'm still not sure it is amore," she said before he stood again, frustrated at her.

"Ah! Again with that!" he walked over to his table and studied his sketches for a moment before bring one over to her and handing it to her.

"Katerina, look at this drawing and tell me what you see."

She looked again at the drawing and replied immediately, "It will only turn in a circle. It won't go forward."

"Si, and why is that?"

She studied it for a moment, "The two people inside will counteract each othereach other's movements."

"Esatto!" the inventor replied, "Only if they work together will they move forward. They must be one to be effective and succeed. That Katerina… is the answer."

She nodded her head understanding what he was saying. A tear fell from her eyes, "So much damage," she replied softly shaking her head, "I don't think I can now."

"How do you know unless you try," he replied with a soft smile, "Certainly he returns your affections?"

She wiped away a tear, "I don't know. He's never mentioned it to me or indicated to me that he does feel that way."

"Then speak to him," he replied, "For there in nothing sadder than two people who do not talk."

He knelt down and clasped her hand softly, "Katerina, it pains me to see you in this state. But as much pain as I see you in now, much more will you be in if you do not speak with this man. If nothing else, you must try."

She smiled at him and nodded.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Grionian Incident

4. The Grionian Incident…

"_Captain's log stardate 52634.8: We have encountered a species called the Grionian who are willing to trade with us. Neelix and I have spent the last two days in trade negotiations and gathering the supplies we will be trading. We are relieved to be able to resupply Voyager after using the transwarp coil to get us 15,000 lightyears closer to home."_

"I'd say we have all the supplies we need to trade," Neelix said, as he and Janeway finished cataloging the containers in cargo bay 1.

Janeway looked up from her padd, "With so much material we're bringing down and back, we'll have to do this in two teams."

"What about the transporters?" Neelix asked.

Janeway shook her head and made a face of slight bemusement, "Can't. B'Elanna has to replace several of their power relays, the same relays we're trading for, before they can be brought back online."

Neelix nodded in understanding and then chuckled, "Well then it's good to know we're getting what we need."

Janeway nodded to herself mostly, "Take B'Elanna with you on your ship. I want her there to make sure the engineering components we're trading for are up to specs."

"Yes, Captain."

"Also, it might be a good idea for you two to see what else might be available when you speak with the trader. They sometimes hold back on some items and you might be able to," she smiled wryly at him, "'negotiate' some additional items."

Neelix nodded, "Yes, Captain," he fidgeted for a moment, "Uh, Captain, about Lt. Torres… um…"

Janeway looked up at him from her padd in concern, "Yes?"

"Um… well… I'm not sure she's got the right temperament for this sort of thing," he cleared his throat, "Especially now."

Janeway put her padd on one of the containers and turned her full attention to Neelix, "What do you mean 'especially now'?"

Neelix nervousness appeared a bit more with Janeway's hard stare, "Uh… well… she's never really been the soft touch kind of person and since she and Tom broke up it's definitely come out a bit more."

"Tom and B'Elanna broke up?" Janeway said with a bit of surprise in her voice, "When?"

"Just after he was released from solitary."

Janeway rolled her eyes upward, _"Great,"_ she thought, _"I missed that news or no one wanted to tell me."_

"I'm sorry, Captain," Neelix said, "I thought you knew."

Janeway shook her head in frustrated resignation, "No, but thank you Mr. Neelix. However, that still does not address your reason for not wanting Lt. Torres on this trip."

Neelix wiped his hands on the front of his tunic, "Well she's been very irritable and short with people and the Grionians will not take to her as they are far from surly. They may consider her rude, which will not help us."

Janeway sighed heavily resigning herself to her ambassador's thoughts, "Fine. Get Lt. Carey to join you."

The cargo bay doors opened and Chakotay walked in carrying another padd, "Captain, Mr. Neelix's ship is ready as well as the _Flyer_," he handed her the padd.

Janeway way took the padd and gave it a quick glance, "Thank you Commander," she handed it back, "Have Culhane ready to go with me on the _Flyer_."

Chakotay hesitated before speaking up, "I'd like to recommend Ensign Paris to go with you on this away mission."

Janeway glared at her first officer, "I think Culhane will be just fine."

"That maybe," Chakotay said, "But I'd feel better sending Tom instead. After all it's appropriate for another senior officer to accompany the captain on an away mission and since Tuvok and I have to stay here studying the nebula, he's the next logical choice."

Janeway shook her head, "Commander, I don't think…"

"Captain," Chakotay interrupted her, "He's your best helmsman and an asset to you. Regardless of your issues."

Janeway dropped her head and looked back at Chakotay and smiled in resignation, "Very well Commander. Have Mr. Paris report to the shuttlebay." 

Chakotay gave her a curt nod and headed out of the cargo bay with a slight smile on his face.

Janeway indicated to the containers, "Neelix, begin loading the supplies onto the ships. We'll leave in an hour."

An hour later the _Flyer_ pulled out of the shuttlebay and angled towards the planet. Tom maneuvered the ship behind Neelix's ship and held formation. Janeway began briefing him on the trading mission while on their journey.

"Neelix and Carey will head to the northern continent while we head to the eastern one," Janeway explained to Tom, "We'll meet our supplier, Javon, here in this market and make our trades. He's the main supplier in this region and was recommended by the trade minister. Although, there's something about him I don't trust."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Also, if you see anything we may want tell me," she added, "I can see if we might be able to trade for it."

"Yes, ma'am."

He returned to his helm when she stopped speaking and she immediately felt the tension in the cabin. This was going to be a long mission if this was what she could expect from him. After her talk with Maestro DiVinci she had had a few sleepless nights thinking about what he had said to her. She wasn't so sure this was a good idea anymore. Tom's coldness towards her was not helping her feel comfortable around him.

Tom was lost in his thoughts at his station as well. Harry had made several good points about Tom and the captain, but Tom really did believe that things would never change for the better. This mission would be a long and quiet one based on the attitude he was sensing from her.

Janeway made up her mind that something had to be said. She inhaled deeply and summoned her nerves.

"Tom?"

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"What happened between us? Why don't we talk anymore?"

He turned towards her caught a little off guard, "Ma'am?" he said knowing that she wanted to talk about, but feigning ignorance.

She pursed her lips in frustration that he wanted her to say it, "Ever since the Moneans and the turbolift we haven't spoken one word outside the line of duty."

He looked away for a second before replying, "And what would we talk about?"

She felt her face flush with anger, "What we talked about before then. Pool, velocity, ships… anything," she ended with frustration in her voice."

He shrugged, "I don't think there's much more to talk about after the turbolift."

She rolled her eyes, "Tom, we have to stop this. I need to know that we can work through this."

"I'm sorry, Captain," he replied with sadness, "I don't know if we can."

She leaned forward intent to keep the conversation going, "Yes, we can. Please Tom, we have to try."

His face became a study in conflict. Janeway decided to try anyways, "Why did you and B'Elanna break up?"

He flashed her a look of anger, "We just did," he said trying to keep his voice even.

"You both seemed happy."

"As happy and a man and a volatile, moody half-Klingon can be."

There was a brief uncomfortable pause. Tom was realizing she was trying to bridge the gap. They both needed to heal and for all of his talk with Harry on the holodeck he didn't seem to be helping himself or them.

"Tom?" she asked hoping that he wouldn't shut down on her.

He focused back on her, "We weren't going to work out that's all."

A beep from his console ended the conversation.

Tom turned to his console, "Planet fall in five minutes, Captain," he said with all business in his tone.

"Thank you, Ensign," she replied, _"Damn!"_ she thought, _"I thought we were doing good."_

"Neelix just broke formation towards the northern continent," Tom reported.

Janeway looked out the front viewport and saw Neelix's ship peel off. She adjusted her monitor's view so she could continue to monitor Neelix's ship's trajectory.

"Now entering the upper atmosphere," Tom reported, "Course and trajectory of decent are as programmed."

A few moments later the _Flyer _broke through the atmosphere and into the sun and clouds and an oncoming missile. The missile hit the ship's starboard nacelle and exploded, destroying the guidance and knocking out their main systems. The only thing seen from the ground was a dark cloud of smoke heading uncontrollably towards a mountain range at high speed.


	5. Chapter 5 - The Life You Save

5. The Life You Save…

He was standing a field with tall grass on a summer's day.

"Tom."

Tom turned towards the voice and saw a beautiful woman standing in the sunlight. Her flowing red hair shining as she stared into the sun as it set over the horizon.

"Tom!"

Her back was towards him and he couldn't see her face, but she was just turning as he approached her. As she did he caught a brief glance of her face before suddenly opening his eyes and seeing Janeway above him.

He sat up quickly and regretting the move immediately. He nearly passed out from the pain. His vision blurred and faded out for a moment.

"Whoa, hold still Tom," Janeway said softly, "Don't move too suddenly."

"Should have warned me before I woke up," he quipped, "You interrupted a great dream by the way."

She shook her head at the joke he made. At a time like this he was making jokes. Jokes like the old Tom would have made before… before their falling out.

Tom felt the blood pouring down the side of his face. He looked at her and forgot his injuries immediately. She had a nasty bruise on her cheek and several abrasions on her face and neck. Her uniform was ripped in a couple places and had some burn marks on it, but she looked alright compared to him.

"Captain, you're hurt," he said mentioning motioning at her bruise.

"I'll be fine," she said as she took out a dermal regenerator, "You took the brunt of the impact. Your head impacted against the console when we crashed and you have a concussion and laceration."

She did her best to seal the gash on his head and gave him a hypo for the pain and headache.

"There," she said, "I can't do anything else until we get you back to _Voyager_."

"Comm system?"

"Destroyed during the attack."

Tom nodded and regretted the movement. He turned to his station and saw it smashed in from where his head hit the panel. He looked out the shattered viewport and saw they were miraculously on the ground.

"How?" he asked.

"You managed to get power to thrusters and structural integrity moments before we crashed," she replied trying to wipe the blood from his face, "Saved our lives for sure."

"What hit us?"

"A missile," she replied and poured a little water on the cloth and continued to clean him, "You saw it before I did and evaded it, but it exploded right next to us and sent an electromagnetic pulse that knocked out our power and propulsion systems."

She finished wiping his face and tossed the bloodied cloth aside. She stood and began to help him stand. He was very woozy and unbalanced.

"I got you Tom," she said, "Go slow."

"Can't," he replied in a whisper, "Whoever shot us down might be here soon."

"I know," she replied, "But you're not in a position to run anywhere fast."

"Then you go and leave me here," he said trying like Hell to control the waves of nausea, "I'll just slow you down."

She shook her head, "Not going to happen."

He stopped, "No, go Captain," he pulled himself from her roughly and immediately started swaying. He stopped his swaying when he held onto the aft tactical station, "You can cover more ground and can comeback for me."

She grabbed him again and through gritted teeth said, "I'm not leaving you and that's final. We'll get through this together."

She pulled him gently through the cargo area and out the back hatch. He sat on a rock resting and tried to get his bearings and senses back. She came out a few moments later with two backpacks of supplies and a portable communications transmitter.

She slid one backpack on him and then slung the other backpack and transmitter on her back and helped him up.

"Come on," she said, "You were right. My tricorder is reading at least a dozen beings heading this way. They'll be here soon."

"We won't get too far if you're lugging me and everything else," he said again trying to get her to go on her own, "They may take me back to their camp and I can rest there."

She put his arm around her neck and started walking, "You're being insubordinate, Mr. Paris. I said no. We're sticking together."

After an hour or so of walking, the two officers had managed to cover a good distance from the downed _Flyer_. Tom was slowly regaining his senses and was relying less and less on her guidance. What Janeway didn't know was that he was practically willing himself to move and not to pass out.

They took a quick break and she pulled out her tricorder. After a moment of scanning she closed the device and put it back on her belt.

"There are three following us," she said, "Looks like they know we survived and headed away from the shuttle."

"Probably split up so each could cover more ground," Tom said, "How far?"

She nodded and took a sip of water, "They're a half a kilometer behind us."

Tom took a sip of his water and slowly stood, "Then we should keep going."

Janeway looked at him and saw his face go pale as he struggled to get his balance. She knew he was in bad shape and just wanted to hole up and wait for help, but knew he was right.

"Okay," she said. She looked up and saw they were at the base of a small mountain, "If we can reach the summit our transmitter will have greater range. Maybe Neelix can pick up our call and come for us."

Tom looked up and nearly fell to his knees when his equilibrium shifted. Janeway rushed over and caught him before he fell.

"Easy Tom," she said and held him for a moment while he regained his equilibrium, "I've got you."

It took a few minutes before he quickly removed himself from her embrace and shakily stood, "I'm okay. We should go."

Janeway tried not to show the hurt and disappointment from his abrupt move away from her. She nodded and followed in step behind him as they began their journey up the mountain side.

"Tom they're almost here."

"I'm ready."

Janeway looked at her tricorder and saw the three figures coming fast towards them.

"100 meters."

About three hours into their accent their stalkers had picked up the pace and were coming closer to them. Janeway knew they would have to take their stand here. They managed to find some outcroppings and a ledge and the mountain side that would protect their flanks.

"50 meters."

She saw Tom ready his phaser. She knew he was still seeing double sometimes and assumed he probably couldn't hit much with his vision the way it was. She pulled out her phaser.

"25 meters."

She closed the tricorder and looked over the lip of her cover and saw two of the three men approaching them. They both held heavy energy rifles and were scanning their approach with their eyes looking for Janeway and Tom. Her heart sank though as she couldn't see the third man.

She stole one more glance at Tom and saw him peaking around his rock and seeing their attackers. He looked at her and waited for her signal. She knew the closer they got the better they could hit them, but would leave less reaction time for them.

A few more moments past and she looked at Tom and nodded, "Now!"

She sprang from her hiding spot and fired, hitting the first attacker square in the chest and he fell to the ground hard and unconscious. Tom's beam missed the second attacker by a wide margin and Janeway turned on him, but the man had dived behind a small boulder for cover. Janeway quickly scanned her eyes for the third attacker. A beam hitting her rock sent her back behind it covered in dust.

"Do you see the third man?" she called out to Tom.

He ducked down as a chunk of his boulder was blasted out, nearly hitting him. He shook his head at her. She gritted her teeth in frustration. She put her hand on her belt to grab her tricorder and felt an empty holster. She looked down and saw it had come out and was in the open. She rolled her eyes in frustrated anger at her carelessness.

She peaked out and saw the attacker firing on Tom, who had fired back, and she quickly stood and aimed her phaser at him.

"Captain! Look out!"

Janeway turned to see Tom pointing to her left. She turned quickly and saw the third attacker spring out from where he had been coming at her blindside. She pointed her phaser at him, but was knocked on her back roughly with her attacker falling on top of her. Her phaser flew from her grasp and skidded away from her out of sight. The man quickly recovered and drew a knife to plunge it into her and was about to bring it down when multiple phaser bolts came from behind her. One hit her attacker square in the chest and the impact drove the man back and he fell off the ledge. She could hear him scream as he fell several hundred meters before he was suddenly silenced.

"Captain. Are you alright?"

She nodded and felt Tom's hands help her up. They had just gotten on their feet when the last attacker came around the boulder.

"Tom!"

He turned just as she heard the dull wet thunk and the metallic sound of a knife being removed from flesh. Tom grunted in pain and surprise, then lost all energy in his legs and fell to the ground heavily. Janeway looked in stunned helplessness as he fell. She looked at the man holding the bloodied knife. He smirked and stepped over Tom's body and approached her.

"Why?" she asked as she stepped back closer to the ledge's edge.

The attacker didn't reply as he got closer. She stopped at the very edge of the ledge and looked down. She saw the broken body of the third attacker and looked again at the man in front of her. He held the knife to her throat and then smiled at her before he brought his knife back to strike. She closed her eyes and waited for the impact. Suddenly she heard a scuffle and a grunt of pain and opened her eyes in time to see the man's eyes widen in surprise then empty of life. She moved quickly out of the way as he toppled forward and off the ledge to join his companion.

She looked and saw Tom standing with the knife the second attacker dropped, covered in the alien's blood. He watched the man fall from sight before looking at her again. For one moment, time seemed to stop as they looked into each other's eyes. Then time returned and Tom dropped the knife as his knees buckled. Kathryn rushed forward to catch him before he fell.

She carefully lowered them both so he was lying against her and she could hold him upright. She then carefully moved to put him against the boulder. She looked for the stab wound and saw it just above the left lower rib. The blood was flowing freely and she immediately put her hands on it to try and staunch the blood flow. He grunted in pain when she did this.

"Oh Tom," she said as she felt his blood flow between her fingers.

She needed the med-kit which was twenty feet away. She quickly looked for it and then back at Tom.

"I'm getting the med-kit. Press here," she said as she put his hands over his wound, "I'll be right back."

His nod was all he was able to give her and she rushed back and grabbed the med-kit. On her way back she took a quick look at the last attacker. He was still out cold from her phaser strike. She dropped to knees in front of Tom and scanned him with the medical tricorder.

"Okay Tom," she said putting the tricorder down and grabbing a hypospray and loading it, "The knife just missed your left lung and any other major organs. However, it did break the lower rib and you have bone fragments, which I can't get to. I'm going to give you a shot for the pain and hopefully try and stop the bleeding while I try and close the wound."

She pressed the hypo and delivered the medicine. She quickly dropped it and grabbed an autosuture. She adjusted it and held it to his side. He screamed in pain when the device began to close the wound. Kathryn nearly broke into tears at the sound he made. His pain was excruciating and she couldn't help him. The drugs had to take affect soon she hoped.

She looked at her hands and saw his blood covering them. She knew she had to work faster to stop the bleeding. His breathing was ragged and he gasped for each breath. Tom looked at her trying to save him and felt such sorrow. So much between them and now…

"I'm… I'm sor… sorry," he stammered out between pain filled breaths.

She looked up at him and saw his blue eyes looking at her. For that moment he didn't look at her with any resentment or anger. He looked at her with concern and caring.

She returned to her work, "Sorry for what?" she said, "For getting yourself stabbed? Then Aapology accepted."

"N… no," he shook his head, "F… for w… what... I said."

She looked up at him in surprise, "What?" she breathed.

"You… you were right…" he breathed for a moment, "I… failed… you. I… let… let you… down."

She realized what he might be referring to and shook her head, "Hell of time to bring this up Tom," she said and returned to her work on him.

His wound wasn't closing. She threw down the autosuture in frustration, "It's not closing," she said and grabbed a sub-dermal suture and tried closing the wound again. She was running out of time.

Suddenly he grabbed her hands and stopped her, "Please… don… don't. St… stop."

Her stomach dropped when she realized what he was saying to her. She shook her head, "I don't think so!"

"Le… let me… go," he pushed her hands away again.

"Like Hell I will!" she shouted at him, "I will not let you go."

"Kath… Kathryn… please," he pleaded with his eyes, "Save yo… yourself. Leave me."

She grabbed his head with her hands and looked into his eyes, "No, listen to me… I can't let you go. I won't let you. I need you Tom. I can't do this without you."

"I'm… I'm sorry," hHe gave her a small soft loving smile, " "I'm… I'm sorry. At… least I… I have… that dream."

With one last gasp he settled against the boulder still looking at her. Kathryn watched in horror as he slipped away from her.

"No… no… no…" she whispered as she sat back in shock, "No…"

Then her anger came to full force, "NO!" she quickly got to her knees and threw her tears grabbed the hypospray and loaded the most powerful stimulant she had.

At the hiss of the medicine being delivered she grabbed a cortical stimulator, put it on him, set it and pressed the tricorder. His body jumped as the electrical shock coursed through him.

"Fight it!" she shouted while she adjusted the strength of the next pulse, "Damn you! Fight it!"

She pressed the button and another shock made his body jump, "Don't do this to me! Live!"

She hit the button again… and again… and again…

After several tries there was no response from him. She collapsed back and sat in exhaustion and shock. The tricorder emitting the only sound she could hear at that moment… the single tone of no heartbeat. He was gone and she'd lost him.

Tears began falling from her as she sat there and looked at his lifeless form, .

"I'm so sorry," she whispered to herself.

She reached out and closed his eyes. She softly touched his face, feeling the coolness coming to it. She was crying. Crying for him and her loss.

Suddenly the heart monitor beeped.

She looked down at the tricorder in surprise. She held her breath wondering if she was just hearing things. The monitor beeped again. She sat up with renewed energy and saw the tricorder register a single heartbeat.

She quickly gave him another dose of stimulant and waited. One beat… two… three. She cheered when his heart began beating again on its own. She looked at him and wiped her brow with the back of her hand, leaving a smudge of his blood behind. Her relief could not be described in words. She was smiling and wasn't even aware she was.

He had lost a lot of blood, but he still had the stab wound that needed to be closed before she could do anything about that. She grabbed the autosuture and was finally able to close his wound. "You're not getting away from me that easily," and then through gritted teeth she added, "Don't you ever do that to me again."

She put the autosuture away and grabbed a plasma hypospray. She loaded it and injected it into him.

"There," she said, "That should help you a little with your blood loss."

She scanned him again and while his vitals were very weak, but they were steady. She grabbed the thermal blanket from her pack and after laying him down gently, wrapped him in it to keep him warm.

She stood and surveyed their surrounds better, "Well, this is our home for the night it seems," she stopped when she saw the still downed attacker.

Her eyes narrowed at him. She scrambled around and found Tom's phaser and some rope from his pack. She headed down to their attacker and lightly kicked him with her boot. No response. She tucked the phaser in her belt and tied the man up as tightly as she could and dragged him back to their camp. She dropped him against the opposite boulder and began to light a fire.


	6. Chapter 6 - The Janeway Deliverance

6. The Janeway Deliverance

Chakotay reached the shuttlebay just after it pressurized. He entered and quickly walked over to Neelix's ship and reached the side hatch just as it opened. Both Neelix and Carey were talking very excitedly about the mission and the parts and supplies they had traded for.

Neelix looked and saw Chakotay as he stepped off, "Ah Commander!" he exclaimed, "Wait until you see what we got!"

Carey excitedly interrupted him, "We got everything Neelix and the Captain initially negotiated for plus," he paused and grabbed a container with some effort and placed it on the deck, "20 kilograms of high grade dilithium."

Chakotay smiled slightly, "Very enterprising of you both," he paused and looked at them, "Either of you heard from the Captain? They're two hours overdue with their check in."

Neelix and Carey looked at each other with concern, "No, not a peep," Neelix said, "Their trade run should have been over long before ours."

"We thought they might have met up with you two, but now I'm thinking they ran into some trouble," Chakotay tapped his combadge, "Chakotay to the bridge."

"_Tuvok here Commander."_

"Take us to the Grionian planet at full impulse. Neelix reported not hearing from the Captain or Tom and they might be in some trouble."

"_Aye, sir."_

"Mr. Carey, get the power relays B'Elanna needs to her so she can get to work on the transporter repairs. Make that your top priority."

"Aye, aye, sir", Carey nodded and jumped back into the ship to get the parts.

"What can I do?" Neelix asked.

"You're with me," Chakotay replied, "I'll need your presence on the bridge when I speak with the Grionian trade minister."

Neelix nodded and they left the shuttle bay.

Kathryn tossed another log onto the fire and the alien attacker suddenly jerked awake at the sound. He blinked and looked around saw her sitting by the fire's edge.

"Good evening," she said as she placed another log on the fire, "Did you have a nice nap?"

He struggled violently for a few moments against his bonds.

"Don't bother," she said and stood, "You're not going anywhere."

"You'll die for this!" he spat at her.

Her mouth quirked up into a smirk, "Maybe, but I'll make sure you'll go first."

The alien looked at her in amazement at her bold words. She stood slowly. The alien was able to see her blood and dirt covered clothing and the dark smudge of blood in her forehead clearly. He also noticed the dangerous tone in her voice to match the deadly expression of anger on her face.

"You know who and why we were shot down don't you?" she asked him.

The alien remained silent. Kathryn approached him slowly and knelt down in front of him. She regarded his face and then looked into his eyes and saw a brief flicker of fear.

"Who was it?" she asked in a hushed whisper, "Javon?"

His eyes widened slightly confirming her suspicions. She had been spending the last hour going over everything in her mind and she always came back around to Javon. It was the only logical choice.

She slowly stood and took a step or two away from him, "I thought so. He seemed less interested in the supplies we had to offer than my ship's technology. I wondered why he was giving us such a great trade deal. Especially considering what we were trading wasn't worth a fraction of the value of what he was giving us."

She turned back to him and spoke more to herself than to him, "With that then, our shuttle with all the StarFleet and Borg technology, even damaged would fetch a handsome price I bet. So he planned to bring down our shuttle and make off with the spoils."

He struggled in his bonds again before ceasing his attempts. He stopped his actions and glared at her in anger at his bondage. However, Kathryn still saw the look of discomfort and fear. She knew she was onto something and she was close to her answer.

"Still not talking?" she smiled, "Don't worry, you don't have to talk to me," she knelt down again and looked him in the eye, "I plan on turning you over to your planet's government and let them 'handle' that part."

His eyes widened in fear, "You… you can't!" he shouted in a tone matching the fear in his eyes, "If you do then… then…"

"You'll be executed," she finished with a knowing tone. She had familiarized herself with Grionoan law before she had started the mission and knew the man would be executed for what he had done. Well eventually executed. They wouldn't exactly make it a quick process. Rather torturous in fact, but before then she needed to know that Javon was behind the attack.

She shrugged her shoulders with a casual air to her, "Sounds fair to me."

She took a sip of water and pointed to the unconscious form of her helmsman, "See this man," she knelt down and brushed away a strand of hair from his face, "He's my best friend. My companion, and after what you did to him I will see to that you pay… even with your life."

The alien started to panic hearing her and seeing her earnest statements of his future. His efforts to break his bonds increased to an almost panicked level before he finally stopped in resignation of the inevitable. Kathryn watched with interest has the man seemed to fight for his life, then stop.

"Ok! Ok! Ok!" he shouted hysterically, "I'll tell you anything, just please don't let them execute me!"

"Then talk", she said and opened her tricorder, "Was it Javon?"

"Yes," affirmed the alien, "He wanted your ship and technology. He wanted to bring your shuttle down and salvage the parts."

"Quite a gamble that it would still be in one piece," Kathryn replied, "That missile could have easily destroyed the shuttle."

"He knew it was a risk," the alien replied, "But he knew bet on your ship being able to withstand the attack."

"Still that was gamble. Had it not been for Mr. Paris' piloting skills, he would have lost his bet and nothing but charred and worthless debris," she paused and then indicated to Tom and herself, "What about us? Even if he had been able to disable our vessel and bring it down reasonably intact, he still would have had to deal with us."

The alien man replied, "Javon figured that he could hold you as the ransom for what he wanted knowing your crew would pay it to get you back."

"For money right?" Kathryn asked, then sensed a different motive, "Or something else?"

"Both," the alien replied, "He… he wanted to sell off the technology and then move against the government."

"Why?" she asked, genuinely confused at the answer. As far as she was aware, Javon had the full confidence of the Grionian government and no reason to go against them.

"They were about to discover a secret black market that he runs," he said, "Weapons, ships, components… anything. They had been trying to discover it for years and were getting closer by the day. He thought that with your technology and the money he would make, that he would be strong enough to overthrow the government and establish his own. At the very least, hold them hostage with fear."

"And the trade minister is involved in this scheme?" Kathryn asked. He was the only link in the chain she couldn't figure out.

The man shook his head, "No," he replied quickly, "No, he wasn't."

"Seems odd then that he would recommend your boss," Kathryn said half to herself and half to the man, "I get the impression then the trade minister and Javon aren't old friends like they believe they are."

The man couldn't answer that question because he had no knowledge of the two's relationship and said so, "I don't know anything about that. I just know what I've told you and that's all!"

Kathryn smiled and nodded to him as she shut the tricorder, "Thank you. I'll make sure to mention your 'cooperation', to the authorities when they come for you. Maybe they'll spare your life."

She put the tricorder back on her belt as she went back to Tom to check on him. So far he was stable, if you call one breath from death stable. She wondered if Chakotay knew they were missing and was coming for them. She looked over and saw the transmitter. It had been too risky before and she knew it still was, but she needed to take that risk. For Tom's sake if nothing else.

She propped it on the boulder and began powering it up. She managed to get the transmitter aligned and ready to send a signal when she was interrupted.

"They'll detect your comm signal, track you down and kill you," the alien said.

"I know," she replied not looking away from her work, "But that man needs medical help."

"You activate that transmitter and I can assure you that he will be killed," the alien paused, "And you."

She slowly turned and narrowed her eyes at him, "Let them try."

She finished her work and programmed a distress call. She knew of she sent it out over normal frequencies that she would be discovered as the alien had said. So she programmed the distress beacon to be sent out on one of the lower carrier bands. She knew that someone on _Voyager_ would detect it and follow it back to its source. She activated to transmitter and the signal was sent. After 30 seconds she turned off the transmitter to hopefully avoid detection.

"Captain," came a weak voice behind her.

She turned, looked down and smiled. Tom had regain consciousness.

She knelt down so only he could hear her, "It's okay Tom. I'm here," she whispered as she placed her hand softly on his cheek.

"Are… are you okay?" he breathed out.

Yes, I'm fine," she nodded, "Thanks to you. Now sleep and relax."

He nodded and fell back to sleep. She leaned forward and placed a light kiss on his forehead. She stood again and went back to the transmitter. She planned on activating it for 30 seconds at a time at random intervals until day break.

She looked skyward, "I hope you're listening Chakotay."

In orbit, Chakotay was busy dealing with the Grionian officials. Each minister or official he spoke to was unaware of the missing StarFleet officers, but each promised swift action and immediate search parties. However, Chakotay was less than optimistic and after 4 hours his faith in their efforts, as well as his patience, was almost gone.

He stepped onto the bridge and in the middle of Harry and Tuvok arguing over something.

"I'm telling you… rotate the frequency carrier receiver to a lower band and you'll see what I saw," Harry told Tuvok.

"Mr. Kim," Tuvok replied, "Any lower and it would not be a transmission, but background noise."

"What's up?" Chakotay asked.

"Commander, I have been registering an intermittent signal on the lower end of the carrier band. It appears to be coming from the planet."

"And?" Chakotay asked this time looking at Tuvok.

Tuvok looked from Harry to Chakotay before answering, "As I informed Mr. Kim, such a signal at that low a frequency and on that carrier wave is most likely naturally occurring background noise from space."

"I think it's manmade, sir," Harry said looking at Chakotay.

Chakotay thought for a moment, "Well we won't pass up any possibilities," he looked at Harry, "Go to Astrometrics. See what you can find. Get Seven to help you."

Harry smiled, "Yes, sir," and headed to Astrometrics.

Kathryn awoke with a jolt and looked around quickly. The sun had just come up over the horizon bathing their outcropping with morning light. She looked at the tricorder she had set up to warn her of approaching beings. It was beeping and flashing. She crawled over and saw five blips heading her way. They were fifty meters away and approaching fast.

Her heart sank. Five was too many. Even if Tom had been healthy, it still wouldn't be even. She looked at the alien attacker still tied up and saw that he was fast asleep. She looked down at the man next to her and saw his shallow breathing.

Pulling out her phaser she set it for heavy stun and wide beam dispersal. She placed her hand on Tom's chest and breathed a silent prayer for good luck. They were now ten meters away and she could hear them coming. Apparently they didn't care about concealing their approach.

She took a quick breath and then yelled out.

"Don't come any closer! I have one of your men here and my phaser is trained on him and set to kill!"

"Captain?"

Her heart leaped from where it had sunk. She stood and saw Tuvok, Harry, the Doctor and two security personnel in front of her. She holstered her phaser and laughed a short laugh.

"Thank God it's you," she said as they quickly finished their approach, "Doctor quickly. Tom's been stabbed."

The Doctor and Harry hurried past her and both knelt next to Tom and started scanning him. Kathryn looked at Tuvok and the rest of the team and smiled.

"How did you find me?" she looked at Tuvok.

"Mr. Kim discovered your hidden distress call," Tuvok replied, "We came down as soon as we tracked it to this area."

"We should go as soon as possible," she said and wiped more dirt and dried blood on her face as she wiped the perspiration away, "Our 'guest' here informed me as to who is behind this and we need to get his into the brig and notify the government authorities."

Tuvok nodded and signaled his two guards to grab the attacker. Kathryn looked down from where they had come from, "Did you bring a shuttle?"

"No," Tuvok replied, "Lt. Torres was able to repair the transporters and we beamed down as soon as we had a general fix on your beacon."

She nodded at his reply and looked at the attacker, "Get him aboard and in the brig immediately," Kathryn said to the two security guards. She turned to the Doctor, "Doctor, what's Tom's condition?"

"Mr. Paris is barely stable enough for transport," he replied, still working on Tom, "But he needs surgery immediately. I need to get him to Sickbay immediately."

Tuvok tapped his combadge, "Tuvok to _Voyager_, we found them. Lock onto the Doctor and Mr. Paris' signals and beam them straight to Sickbay. Then transport up the rest of the away team."

"I'm going with Tom," Kathryn said quickly, "You go ahead and tell Chakotay what to do."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow at her, but merely nodded, "Beam the Captain to Sickbay as well. Energize."

Kathryn's next view was Sickbay. Once they had materialized the Doctor immediately began his treatment of Tom. She stepped out of the way, but watched the hologram work.

"_You're in good hands now Tom,"_ she thought to herself, _"I'll be here when you wake up."_

Two hours later, she stood, still covered in blood and grime, watching and waiting for news. Chakotay, with the trade minister in tow, came into Sickbay.

"Captain, the trade minister beamed aboard to speak with you about your ordeal," Chakotay said, "And to see if we would be willing to release your attacker into his custody for trial."

The trade minister seeing the blood and dirt covering her face and uniform and seeing Tom on the surgical table expressed his sympathies to her, "First, may I please apologize for what has occurred and to say that I am relieved that you and your crewmember survived," he said with complete sincerity.

Kathryn's face never wavered from the expression of frustration and anger, "Thank you Minister," she replied, "But I am surprised that you were not aware of Javon's activities until now."

The minister's face flushed with embarrassment, "Yes, well," he said, "I won't try and cover up our mistake on that. I can tell you that were are in the midst of a full investigation regarding Javon and his supply market and we will bring him to justice."

"You'd better," came Kathryn's cool reply.

Chakotay cleared his throat after Janeway's remark and tried to lessen the tension and return things to a more diplomatic approach, "Captain, the minister was hoping we might be able to release our prisoner to him as well as any other information we might have regarding Javon?"

Kathryn nodded and pulled out her tricorder, "I questioned the prisoner after the attack and recorded his replies," she handed it to Chakotay, "Commander, please make sure the minister gets the recording for his records."

Chakotay nodded, "Aye, Captain."

"And you are free to take him when you leave," Kathryn continued, "He begged me to intercede on his behalf for a lighter sentence than the death penalty."

The minister shook his head, "I'm sorry Captain, but our laws state that he will be executed for treason."

"I would say minister that without his help you would not know it was Javon behind this incident," she paused, "And he may be able to provide you with any other crimes Javon may have perpetrated in the past."

The minister thought for a moment, "It is up to our legal system to determine that Captain, but I might be able to put in a word for him based on your recommendations," he replied and then held up a finger to stop her from speaking, "However, regardless of what is said in his defense or how forthcoming he might be with evidence from past crimes, it may not avail him in any regard."

Kathryn nodded in understanding. The minister looked at her blood covered person again and his face softened, "I am sorry again Captain. I hope that incident will not put my people as a whole in a bad light with you and your people."

Her face finally broke and she gave him a small smile, "I believe the actions of one malcontent do not condemn an entire species."

He bowed slightly in appreciation to her words, "Thank you. I will take my leave of you as well as take the prisoner. I have requested the supplies you were to trade for with Javon transported to your ship within the hour."

She nodded at his words, "Thank you and we are still willing to provide the supplies we had agreed upon."

The minister held up his hand to stop her, "That is alright Captain. I believe you have already paid for them dearly enough," he said sadly indicating Tom on the surgical table, "I see no reason why I cannot hold up our end of the bargain, even at this time. And surly this can hopefully be seen as a gesture of friendship in the process."

With his last words, he gave another slight bow to her, then turned and left with Chakotay in tow. She turned back to the surgical bay and watched the Doctor work on Tom with a tireless energy that only a hologram could have. She silently thanked whatever gods there were for his presence. After another half an hour he put down his scanner and looked over at her with a grim expression.

Seeing his face she became concerned again, "Doctor? Is everything alright?"

He walked over and stood next to her and looked back at Tom, "I've repaired all of his injuries, which were extensive. However, I found a potent toxin in his blood stream that was slowly killing him."

She looked at him with wide eyes, "Is it still in his system?"

"Yes, but I am trying to filter it from his blood as we speak, but the damage may have already been done at this point," he replied, "If it wasn't for the massive doses of stimulants you gave him, his body would have succumbed to the poison within a short period of time. Now… well… we'll see what the next couple of hours bring."

"Where did it come from?" she asked, still not believing that Tom was not out of the woods yet.

"The knife's blade," he said pointing to it on one of the rolling carts, "It was coated with a substance that prevents clotting and a poison. I suspect that this is a standard treatment on the blade based on my scans showing the blade is practically permeated with the toxin. Additionally, the toxin seems to be engineered for a different physiology, which explains the partial affects it is having on Mr. Paris."

"Could it be engineered for Grionian physiology?" Kathryn asked.

"That would be my assumption," the Doctor replied, "If the toxin is designed to inhibit clotting and poison the inflicted individual, then it could suggest a fighting strategy that would allow the attacker to overcome his or her opponent with little effort once the initial graze or blow had been inflicted."

"So it would seem," Kathryn said through gritted teeth, "Hardly civilized."

"True," the Doctor replied, "But then 'combat' and 'civilized' are words hardly ever put in the same sentence."

Kathryn clenched her jaw trying to hold back the anger, "Anything else Doctor?"

"Yes," the Doctor replied with some heaviness, "It is safe to say that without your immediate and relentless efforts Mr. Paris would have died on the planet."

Kathryn nodded at him, but was still looking at Tom, who's breathing was still shallow and his face was still as pale as a ghost. She began to remember that night and her trying to save him. She suspected that that memory will never be able to be forgotten.

"He tried to push me away," she said softly and without preamble.

The Doctor turned to her in surprise, "Push you away from what Captain? The attacker?"

"He tried to stop me from helping him so I could get away. Pushing my hands away so I couldn't treat him," her voice broke and she shook her head and clenched her jaw at the memory and then said through gritted teeth, "Told me he was slowing me down and I should leave him."

The Doctor looked back and Tom and quietly, but sadly sighed. He had always known Tom was brave and fearless, but he didn't expect it to this degree. He was amazed again at the power of human will and compassion that she exhibited. Had she left him, he would not have survived another two minutes at the most.

"It was a good thing you didn't listen to him," he replied, "He owes you his life."

A corner of Kathryn's mouth quirked upwards for a brief moment at his comment before she nodded. Silence descended upon Sickbay for a few moments before the Doctor cleared his throat.

"Yes well," the Doctor said, "He'll recover, but he'll be weak for the next several days due to the trauma to his system and the toxin. I'll keep him here of course and monitor his recovery closer."

"May I see him?"

"Of course. He's asleep and I'll keep him sedated for the next couple of days. It would not help his recovery if he were to be awake through the pain from the injuries and the poison," he then looked at her and the blood and grime on her face, "Then I will examine you."

She nodded to the Doctor and went and stood by the bed. She looked at Tom's pale face and shallow breathing and her heart nearly crumbled in sympathetic pain. This time had been close. Closer than when she targeted the _Flyer_ during the Monean incident, but unlike that incident, this time she knew that she had made more than just a lifesaving decision, but a life _changing_ one.

She leaned over the bed and brought her face within inches of his, "I'm here," she whispered to him, "You made it."

She felt a warm trail of water on her cheek and realized that she was crying. She leaned over and lightly kissed his lips before looking at him once more. The stress of the last day was finally catching up to her. It took a lot of her self-control to regain her composure.

"Rest now and heal," she said, "I'll be back soon."

She wiped her eyes and finished composing herself before she turned to join the Doctor on one of the side beds. There was still a long road ahead, but this time, she knew that they would be able to tackle it together.

Kathryn returned to her quarters to clean-up and rest. The Doctor had stressed she needed at least a day off and wouldn't take no for an answer from her. After dinner and her shower she tried to sleep, but felt restless and was unable to go to sleep. She got up from her bed, wrapped her robe around her and sat down at her desk. She started reading the status reports from Chakotay during the time she was gone, but soon found her mind unable to concentrate on them. She just wanted to do something, but wasn't entirely certain as to what. She put the padd down and after throwing on some comfortable clothes left her quarters and went to the holodeck.

She entered the holodeck and suddenly realized she didn't have any idea what she wanted to do. After a few moments of thought she smiled and addressed the computer.

"Computer, activate the Captain Proton holonovel and display bridge."

The scenery immediately changed and she found herself standing in the middle of Captain Proton's bridge. She stood for a few moments and listened to the beeps, whirrs and chirps from the various consoles. She walked over to a console where she had seen Tom pilot the ship and, as if in confirmation, saw his jacket folded on the chair waiting for its owner to return. Kathryn put the jacket on, which was of course many sizes larger than her and then wrapped herself up in it like a blanket and then sat down in Captain Proton's seat in front of the helm.

She placed her hand on the console and laughed at the memory of playing Queen Arachnia. It was the most fun she had had in a long while and she had enjoyed every minute of overacting and being so overly dramatic. It was also one of the rare moments in recent months that Tom had seemed to drop his anger and resentment towards her and she enjoyed seeing his eyes spark with excitement and his old energy return. However, once the photonic aliens from the other realm returned to their dimension he too returned to his previous attitude and shut her out completely.

She heard the holodeck doors open and she looked up to see Tuvok enter. He stopped short, just inside the bridge, and looked around with a raised eyebrow.

"Hardly Maestro DaVinci's workshop," he said.

She smiled at him, "True, but I'm beginning to see how this certainly can be inspiring and soothing for the soul."

He weighed her comment for a moment before walking over to her and handing her the padd he held. He raised his eyebrow again when he noticed that she was wearing Tom's costume jacket from the holostory.

"What's this?" she asked.

"A communication from the trade minister," he replied as she began to scan it, "He wanted to relay to you that Javon has escaped the government's attempt to capture him."

She looked up at him sharply, "And?"

"I regret to say that he is still at large," he replied, "However, the minister did report that they recovered a large amount of stolen property and equipment and has sealed Javon's accounts. Should he try and access them, he would be discovered and arrested."

Kathryn grunted as she read the padd, "I hardly think Javon would be that stupid to allow that to happen."

Tuvok nodded, "Agreed. In my estimation, Mr. Javon is a far cleverer an individual than his government gives him credit for."

Kathryn handed back the padd to Tuvok, "Thank you Tuvok."

Tuvok took the padd, "Additionally, the supplies the Minister had promised have been beamed into cargo bay 1 and we are free to depart when you're ready."

She nodded, "Good, I'd like to put this planet behind us as soon as we can. Break orbit and set a course back to the Alpha Quadrant at warp 6."

He nodded and paused for a moment. Long enough for Janeway to notice and look at her friend with a questioning expression.

"Is there something else?"

Tuvok seemed a little apprehensive to answer, if apprehensiveness was even possible in a Vulcan, but then spoke with a careful consideration of thought, "Yes, but it is related to a personal matter and maybe inappropriate for me to ask."

"That's never stopped you before old friend," Kathryn replied with a smile. She gestured to the seat next to her, "Pull up a seat."

Tuvok sat down and took a moment to prepare his question, "I am curious as to your attitude on the planet, Captain. It was hardly representative of your past behavior. Additionally, you have spent the last three hours in Sickbay as opposed to the bridge."

"And you're wondering why?" she asked and received a nod. She paused to consider her answer, "I'm not sure how to explain it, but things changed for me down on that planet."

"In what way?"

She regarded him thoughtfully, "I think I found something I wasn't expecting to find."

He cocked his eyebrow, "That is a somewhat cryptic answer," he replied.

She smiled and nodded, "I know," she leaned back in her seat burying her hands into the jacket pockets and sighed, "I guess I found something I had thought I had lost when we were stranded here. Something I hadn't felt since Mark. Something I had purposely given up."

He sat in thoughtful silence for a moment before replying, "Your relationship with him may yet be rekindled."

She gave him a small, sad smile, "Perhaps, but we both know that that is not a certainty."

He sat back, "I admit the odds are not in our favor, but it would be illogical to assume that there is no way to return before our projected timeline."

"Ah yes it would be illogical," she replied teasing him, "But never the less I can't assume."

She looked at him and then away, focusing on a memory and spoke slowly, "The feelings of caring, affection and the ability to love again. I thought I had to bury those feelings for another person to remain as captain and focus my energies. And now that I'm all the way out here, I will never see Mark again and have somehow decided to have those feelings with someone else that I thought I had put away."

He nodded in agreement, "Then you believe your actions today reflect those feelings you rediscovered?"

"Yes," she said, "It's stronger than before when I was with Mark and…" she paused finding the right words, "… almost more natural."

"I assume Mr. Paris is the recipient of these feelings?" he asked.

She looked at him and said with conviction, "Yes, he is."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow and paused for a moment in thought, "There are difficulties."

Kathryn's head dropped backwards in frustration, "I know Tuvok and don't start with me about captains fraternizing with subordinates or how many other rules I'd be breaking."

Tuvok regarded her with a slight air of amusement for a Vulcan, "It was not my intention to 'start with you' about something you are already aware of. However, I only said there are difficulties, but I did not say it would not be possible."

Kathryn smiled at him knowing he was not at all trying to stop the relationship or her thoughts about it. Any doubts she may have had on that issue disappeared with his next comments.

"You are the captain," he said to her as if relaying a universal truth, "Your happiness is paramount to this crew and your ability to perform your duties to the best of your abilities. If you so desire to choose a member of this crew to become intimate with, which additionally allows you to perform your duties and increases your abilities as captain, then you have my support and I believe the support of this crew. They would not want you to be unhappy, especially if happiness is attainable."

Kathryn felt her eyes begin to tear up. She reached out and placed her hand on his arm and gave it a slight squeeze, "Thank you Tuvok. That means so much to me what you said. I really do not want to bury the feelings that have come to surface and I do hope others will be accepting of this."

He nodded, "It will take time, but I believe they will accept it in due course," he stood, "Now if you will excuse me Captain. I must return to the bridge and carryout your orders. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Tuvok," she said and watched him exit the holodeck.

She looked around Captain Proton's bridge one more time and found herself smiling as she did. She felt excited and exhilarated at the new feelings she had rediscovered. She only hoped that Tom would be able to forgive her and accept her forgiveness to him. She stood and removed the jacket and carefully placed it back on the chair.

"Computer," she said as she walked to the doorway, "End program."

She resisted the urge to go to Sickbay and forced herself to go back to her quarters. She stood looking at the stars now streaking past her window for a few minutes and wondering what she should do next. She changed and then settled into bed and was awake for a short time afterwards before finally falling into a deep sleep.


	7. Chapter 7 - Life to Come

7. Life to Come…

Two days after returning to _Voyager_, Tom woke to find B'Elanna standing over him. He smiled weakly and tried to get up, but quickly discovered that he was in no position to try with her hand on his chest holding him down. He laid back down and let out a gasp from exertion.

"Am I still alive?" he asked with a slight tone of skepticism.

"Apparently," B'Elanna replied.

"So this isn't Heaven?" he said looking around sickbay and wondering if it was Hell instead.

"Hardly," B'Elanna replied, "You've been asleep for two days."

"Uh huh," was his only reply. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them quickly, "The Captain! There was still another…"

"It's okay!" B'Elanna held him down as he tried to get up again, "She's fine and on the bridge."

He seemed to settle back down and began breathing hard from the rush of energy. The monitor above his bed began to beep. A few moments later the Doctor appeared by his side and looked at the readouts before picking up a medical tricorder to scan him.

"I see you're awake."

"Apparently so Doc," Tom replied.

"I assume Lt. Torres had brought you up to speed?"

"A little bit," Tom replied in a weak voice.

"What was your last memory?" the Doctor asked putting his tricorder aside.

Tom closed his eyes trying to remember what he could about the mission, "We crashed on the planet surface. The captain and I tried to get away from a group of guys tracking us. We barely were able to fight them off."

"Do you remember the assault?" the Doctor asked loading a hypospray.

"Not really," Tom replied his voice a million miles away, "I remember firing my phaser and then getting stabbed, but after that it's a blur."

The Doctor pressed a hypospray to Tom's neck, "Your wounds were serious and you actually died on the planet. The blade you were stabbed with was infused with a toxin that almost killed you. I've managed to repair your physical wounds, but the toxin is still being flushed from your system."

Tom's eyes opened and he looked at the Doctor, "Then how…"

"The captain," the Doctor quickly replied, "She was tireless trying to save your life."

Tom closed his eyes and sighed slowly.

"Well you should try and rest," the Doctor said, "If you need me I'll be in my office."

The Doctor walked back into his office as Tom began to settle back in the biobed.

He opened his eyes and looked and saw B'Elanna was still there reading a padd, "Sitting vigil?"

She looked up from her padd, "Yes," she replied, "Harry, the captain, Neelix and few others have been here around the clock waiting for you to wake up. It's annoyed the Doctor, but we insisted."

"I'll be honest and say that I'm surprised that you volunteered for this," he whispered, "We didn't exactly end on good terms."

"I know," she replied with a slight edge in her voice, "But you're still a friend and I do still care about you."

After a few moments of silence Tom finally spoke up, "Look… I am sorry about what happened," he said sincerely, "I…"

She cut him off before he could continue, "Tom, it's okay. You were right. We were just not that compatible as a couple. We have too many differences and not enough patience for the others temperament."

He looked up at the ceiling, "I know, but I should have handled it better."

"No arguments here," came her reply with more than a touch of humor. She looked at him and sincerely said, "I do forgive you, Tom. I just hope you can forgive yourself."

He smiled slightly, "Thanks," he replied, "One day I will."

He closed his eyes again and slipped into sleep remembering the girl with the shinning red hair looking into the sunset in that grassy field.

He fired his phaser and knew he didn't hit the first attacker. Sudden movements in the corner of his eye made him look to his left. Just as he turned he saw the third attacker about to jump down and attack the captain from her left. The man sprang upon Kathryn…

"Captain! Look out!"

Tom sat up quickly, sweating and in a fevered panic. His breathing was hard and fast. He was trying in vain to get air into his lungs. He realized suddenly that there was a weight on his chest and then he heard her.

"Tom! Easy!"

He looked to his left and saw Kathryn, her hand on his chest preventing him from rising any farther. The Doctor was on the other side running a scan and looking concerned.

He looked back at Kathryn. Her face was full of concern.

"It's okay Tom," she said in a softer tone and trying to put a smile on her face, "I'm okay. I'm here and we're back on _Voyager_."

He closed his eyes in relief. It had only been a nightmare. He slowly laid back down and tried to get his breathing back under control. He felt a cool towel on his forehead and opened his eyes and saw Kathryn administering the towel.

"That was one Hell of a nightmare," he gasped between breaths.

"No kidding," replied the Doctor, "Your heart rate jumped to 230 beats per minute, your neural activity levels practically jumped of the charts and your adrenaline spiked to almost 50 times above normal. You're lucky you didn't have a heart attack."

The Doctor administered a hypospray and placed it on the tray next to the bed, "I've given you a mild sedative. It should help normalize your neuro chemical levels and relax you at the same time. You may feel sleepy, so I wouldn't fight it."

Tom nodded, "Thanks Doc."

He looked over to Kathryn and still saw the look of concern and slight panic in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," was all he could think of to say.

She smiled at him and nodded, "It's okay."

He started to feel the medicine's affect taking hold. Seeing her worried face he said, "I had the best dream earlier."

"Oh really?" she replied with a faint tone of humor knowing he was going to be fine if he was telling her about a dream, "What about?"

"This beautiful woman was standing in a grassy field looking at the sunset," he said as he closed his eyes, "She had this amazing shinning red hair."

Kathryn smiled at him, "Sounds like a great dream. Who's the woman?"

Tom smiled and opened his eyes. He looked right into her blue eyes and said, "You."

She let out a small chuckle and her smile grew larger, "At least I won't have to be jealous of that dream."

She removed the towel and held his hand, "We were lucky you know," she said with a more serious tone. Her voice suddenly broke and she composed herself before continuing, "I almost lost you."

"Almost, but not quite," he replied softly.

A few moments of silence fell between them with only the sounds of the bio-monitors.

"I finally realize there is something in this universe I can't lose… ever," she leaned closer to him and looked into his eyes with such an intensity that Tom could almost feel her earnestness, "If this is going to work… we have to promise that we be here for each other. I need you with me and I finally understand that I can't do this without you."

"I promise," he replied with equal intensity, "I guess I finally realize too that you have been the constant in my life and that I truly cared for you all those years ago."

She smiled at his words, "You mean so much to me that I didn't even realize it until it was almost too late. I never want to go through what we went through these last few months again. I miss our ability to be ourselves with each other. Joking, talking, supporting one another… everything about what made it so easy to be with you. Promise me that whatever is happening and whatever you're feeling that we can always talk and support each other."

"You have my word," he said honestly and with conviction.

"Oh and one more thing… if you ever try to push me away trying to save you again I'll knock you out, save you and then break up with you," she said seriously.

He let out a weak laugh before nodding, "Yes, Ma'am."

She smiled at him finally and kissed him softly, "Get some rest. We can talk more later."

She sat back in her chair, picked up her book and before she finished reading the next line he was asleep.

Three days after his nightmare, Tom slowly and carefully exited sickbay with Kathryn guiding him and the Doctor walking anxiously behind them. The toxin was almost fully gone from his system and he was no longer in any jeopardy and so he could recover in his quarters. The entire ship had heard about their adventure and many stopped by to visit and hear the tale. But what they saw mostly was their captain by his side supporting him as he recovered. Needless to say, the ship's gossip mill was churning at full speed.

"Now remember to rest and no over exertion," the Doctor said, reminding Tom for the umpteenth time.

"I know Doc," Tom said as they slowly made their way to his quarters.

"I'll make sure he stays down Doctor," Kathryn said from Tom's other side.

"Excellent, I feel better now," the Doctor replied with sarcasm, "There isn't a responsible bone between the two of you when it comes to listening to your doctor."

Tom looked down at Kathryn, who looked up at him and they both smiled.

Crew members past them as they walked and they all smiled and congratulated Tom for getting out of sickbay and wished him well. Of course, they also noticed the captain guiding Tom.

Tom, as weak as he was, noticed the looks from the crew, "The gossip mill must be close to a breach now," he said quietly.

Kathryn looked at him questioning.

Seeing her face he said simply, "You here with me."

She nodded, "Let them talk," she said, "It's none of their business really."

Tom nodded in agreement, but he knew that it was not going to be easy to be with her on this ship.

"I think it's a wonderful development actually," the Doctor blurted out happily breaking into Tom's thoughts.

Both Tom and Kathryn looked at the Doctor with surprise. He looked at them with bemusement before realizing he may have touch a sensitive subject and his face turned into an almost panicked look.

"What I mean is that you both seem to be pass your adversarial stage since Mr. Paris' incarceration and now have moved onto a more friendly and collaborative relationship," he explained quickly.

His choice of wording couldn't have been closer to the truth, but never-the-less amusing to both Tom and Kathryn. They looked at each other and laughed between themselves. The Doctor relaxed at their laughter and hoped he had successfully navigated through the minefield he had stepped in.

In reality, he had already known the captain and Tom's relationship had moved well beyond the 'more friendly and collaborative relationship' he had mentioned. He had been sitting in his office and had overheard them talking in low tones during one of her visits. The conversation was intimate and personal and he had heard many references to their future together.

Tom finally entered his quarters and the Doctor took one more brief scan before leaving Kathryn to help Tom get into bed. When he was finally comfortable and sat next to him and looked into his blue eyes.

"Do you need anything before I go?" she asked.

"A kiss would be great."

She smiled and obliged him. It was a soft yet passionate kiss.

"Wow," Tom said when they broke from it, "I can't wait to get better."

Kathryn laughed at his comment, "Well I'm hoping for a speedy recovery," she said giving him a very sultry look.

"Yes, Ma'am," he said with a smile.

Tom closed his eyes and Kathryn moved to leave him when his hand grabbed hers. She settled back onto the bed and looked at him quizzically.

He looked at her with a serious and somber expression, "I want to you to know that I would have understood if you had to destroy my shuttle."

Her smile faded and she grabbed his hand and held it tight, "I would never have forgiven myself if I had. I would have killed my best friend, my companion… my lover. I would have been tortured by that."

"I am sorry Kathryn," he said, "At the time I never thought we'd be here now… together."

She smiled at him again, "I never thought of it either, but now I can't imagine it any other way."

He nodded, "Same here."

There was a brief silence between them before Kathryn broached the subject she had avoided for months now.

"You know… I won't be able to defend my punishment of you," she said quietly after a few moments pause, "At least not to the Admiralty."

Tom looked at her and saw her face become hard from saying that.

"Chakotay's formally protested and the crew practically mutinied," she stopped and recovered her emotions, "It won't be an easy time for me when we get back to Earth."

"I know" he said, "But we'll face it together."

She looked at him and smiled a knowing and soft smile. He gripped her hand and she leaned in for one more kiss. Softer and sweeter than before.

She pulled away a short distance and looked intently into his eyes, "I love you Thomas Eugene Paris."

"I love you Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway," he replied looking just as intently into her eyes.

They held that moment as long as they could before Tom broke it.

"Now go be captain," he said with authority and a smile.

"Aye, aye, sir," she replied with humor in her voice and smile.

From that moment onward, neither Tom nor Kathryn was ever separated. She had helped heal his broken spirit and he in turn helped heal her broken heart. As Tuvok had predicted, the crew immediately adapted to their relationship and considered the union to be the greatest match ever. Their love and support of each other would be one of the continuous and binding forces on _Voyager_.

Upon their return to Earth, she was brought to task from the events of _Voyager's_ journey including Tom's punishment. However, his presence is what supported her through that tough time and eventually she was promoted to Admiral while Tom was promoted to Commander.

Both took positions at StarFleet Headquarters to be with each other. Tom at the propulsion labs and Kathryn at the Headquarters complex itself. Kathryn will always remember her first day walking into her office. Her staff stood at her entrance and her aide approached her with a cup of coffee and greeted her.

"Good morning Admiral Paris and welcome."


End file.
